Sometimes Sayings.

We have seen variations on these before but still a lot of truth in them.

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh1t!'

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips head screws.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". A commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

A SON OF A B1TCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A B1TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Fellow I know calls an"adjustable wrench", what is known here as a shifting spanner, a "Nut Fu*ker"

Yesterday I drove along an interesting hilly, winding road I had not been on before. A few kilometres from the start Police were carefully directing traffic around a Four-Wheel Drive that had a collapsed front suspension on the passenger side and the vehicle had slid into the ditch on the left side, uphill side, of the road. Family were standing around looking distressed.
It would have been much worse if they had been coming the opposite way as they would have tumbled down a very steep bank into the creek below.
My Wife asked how the wheel could come off like that. I said "Probably too much bush-bashing and not enough maintenance"

While Dee and I crossed the border into Victoria today I noticed at how many patches of road were showing signs of mud rising through the tar seal. I pointed it out to Dee and said that in order to fix this problem first the hole will have to be formed then allowed to grow in size and depth before the final stage could be undertaken "impact" studies.

Cobba
gudday my
our gumment in there wisdom has found a way
....... a solution to all the pot holes


they just keep lowern the speed limit


https://www.maribyrnong.vic.gov.au/files/assets/public/images/communications/safer-roads.jpg?dimension=pageimage&w=480

LOL

cya

You are so correct Swishy, the stupid speed reductions and the roadworks speed reduction signs left out all weekend and all over Easter. The speed restrictions still apply, even if no workers are on site. A fellow I know was driving at the speed limit on cruise control along a 110KPH part of the Princes Highway. He went through an 80KMH roadworks sign during Easter nobody on site of course but a speed camera got him. The car is in a Company name so he had to pay $3800.00 so as not to identify the driver and loose points. He was warned that if the car is caught three times in 12 months the fine will be $8900.

Also the stupid little fences that are cropping up all over country roads, major and minor, with lots of damage that is not repaired for months. The idiots who promote them say the damage is evidence that they do work. I must say they do protect the grass and trees along the roadsides, though.

Soon the polititions will make the Greenies happy by forcing us out of motor vehicles and back onto horses. I wonder how long it will take for Greenies to do something about the lumps of exhaust from the horses?

If you drink like a fish you will get a six second memory just like a fish.

Life is a balancing act. You have multiply roles and goals, you can do it all - but not all at once.

Morris, the balancing act part only applies to us blokes, women can multi task with ease, apparently.

Cobbadog,
If they can multitask how come they can't have sex when they have a headache?

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