Great to see the lively forums being well supported, tell you what we haven't seen for a while:- some outrageous stories!
We don't care how they stretch the limits of credibility, make 'em downright lies as long as they are humorous..
Put yer thinking caps on whilst wer'e all supposedly housebound and dust off the keyboards!
This story is true but the story within the story I will leave to your judgement.
About 30 years ago I was sitting with some blokes around a fire in the Kimberley when the 70 something cockie appears with his dog – a beautiful Weimaraner (pretty unusual in the bush). After getting himself comfortable and downing the first of many free beers we offered, he responded to a comment about how come he had such a classy dog.
“Well my daughter brought him back from Perth as a pup but left within the year to go to university so I sort of inherited him. I have had many dogs over the years but Rufus is by far the smartest. I often have blokes like you and inevitably there is a smart arse in the group. We had one last year.
He said, “How can that show-pony be smarter than a Kelpie or Blue Healer?”
“Well, he is as good as another person at times and I always take him with me. I will give you an example.
I see you have a billy ready to go on the fire and stuff out for your breakfast so I will get Rufus to boil an egg for me”
The bloke of course said bullshit.
Rufus went across to where the eggs and bacon were sitting ready to cook, picked up an egg in his mouth and dropped it in the billy. Now I am sure he could have put the billy on the fire but I did not want him to burn himself so I positioned it on the edge with the handle on the outside so it would not get hot.
After a few minutes I said, “Rufus egg”
Rufus went over and with a careful pull on the handle pulled the billy over and the egg rolled out on the ground. Now Rufus is really smart so he waited for a minute or so before gently touching it with his foot. After a couple of tests he reckoned it was cool enough to pick up in his mouth, which he did and brought it over, gently placing it at my feet.
“So how smart is that?” I said to this bloke.
“All he did was tip the billy over. How are you going to eat it, you don’t have an egg-cup?”
With that Rufus leaned forward and stood vertical on his head.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Mrsmackpaul, PaulFH, V8Ian
If U don't like my Driving .... well then get off the footpath ...... LOL
Thank you received: 1517
Good call Cogz
This miserable-looking guy is sat at a bar one evening, just staring at his drink. He’s been like that for half-an-hour now.
Suddenly this big, trouble-making truck driver walks up to him, takes the guy’s drink from the bar, and drinks it all down in one gulp. The sad guy starts to cry. The truck driver is a bit off-put by this and says to him, “Come on man, I was only joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I can’t stand to see a grown man cry.” The sad guy sobs, “No, it’s not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep after the alarm has gone off and I’m late for work and my boss fires me. Then when I leave the office, my car’s been stolen. The cops said there’s nothing they can do. So I have to get a cab home. After it drives off I realize I’ve left my wallet and credit cards in it. So I walk into my house only to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I walk right out and come straight here. And, just when I’m thinking about ending my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie.
Just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.
The first biker grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.
The second biker picked up the trucker’s coffee and downed it in one gulp.
The third biker ate the trucker’s apple pie.
The truck driver didn’t do anything or say a word as all this went on.
When they finished, he just paid the waitress and left.
The first biker said to the waitress, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”
“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He’s just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorbikes.”
OF ALL THE THINGS EYE MISS ................. EYE MISS MY MIND THE MOST
There's more WORTH in KENWORTH
The following user(s) said Thank You: cobbadog, Dave_64, PaulFH
I might have put this one up before, but here goes:-
Old Shorty was the biggest storyteller this side of the Black Stump. One night in the pub he was telling all who would listen that he was the greatest drover of all time. He told them about the time he had to walk a huge mob of hungry beasts all the way from the outback of Queensland, all the way to Launceston. He told them about all the troubles he had had, all the miles of stinking hot temperatures, no feed for the cattle, angry landholders, flies, pestilence, disease, in fact every problem a drover could possibly come across, and he had beaten them all.
One of his drinking mates asked "How did you get them across Bass Strait?" To which Shorty replied "Dont' be silly, I didn't take them that way!"
For the benefit of Brocky45, Eightpot and Husky, Launceston is in Tasmania, an Island State, separated from mainland Australia by Bass Strait, about a hundred miles of very rough ocean.
Brocky, think of Mainland USA to Hawaii, Eightpot, Husky and Grandad, think of Lands End to Cowes.
I have my shoulder to the wheel,
my nose to the grindstone,
I've put my best foot forward,
I've put my back into it,
I'm gritting my teeth,
Now I find I can't do any work in this position!
The following user(s) said Thank You: Dave_64, PaulFH
Was talking to an old fisherman once and asked him about the biggest one he ever caught. He said that he was fishing in a waterhole up near Walcha once and hooked a big perch. Now it was a deep hole and when he landed the fish, it was gravel rashed on the belly and sun burnt on the back.
I asked him what tackle he had used to land the bloody thing. "Well son, I had a telegraph pole for a rod, a snig chain for a trace, a wool hook on the end and the ham off a sand-fly for bait. When I got it to the bank, I had to borrow my mates semi to take it to town, but there was no room on the truck for my gear, so I had to go back out to collect it. On the way, I noticed the road was all corragated by the tail flapping up and down on the road. When we filleted it, they got 9 miles of white posts out of the ribcage.
I asked him what it weighed and his answer was, "Too big to weigh young fella, but we took a photo and the negative weighed 5 kilos."
The following user(s) said Thank You: Dave_64, kleener, Lang, Mrsmackpaul, PaulFH
This is a story my mate who is a paramedic told ,and whether or not its true i dont know
An emergency call come in one day from a accident that had occurred on a construction site out in the sticks in a remote part of the area ,
So on arrival Jim (my mate ) found an old chap in tears and a young lad lying unconcious next to a high power pylon,
After calming the old boy down he tried to find out from him what had happened ,so the old man said that he was working down in a trench of the substation they where preparing and he looked round to see where the young chap had gone and as he did there was the lad standing next to the power pylon holding on and shaking like mad ,so the old fella remembered his safety training and not to touch him but instead grabbed the shovel of the back of the truck and hit the youngster over the shoulder till he let go and thats when he then rang the emergency services
So now Jims attention turned to the casualty ,on checking him over he found no signs of electric shock and although the lad was out cold, he still had a pulse and was breathing , also a lump the size of an orange on the back of his head, so after administering some smelling salts to try and bring him round Jim managed to get an explanation ,so the lad said that he had been in the trench helping the old chap and had got out because of a stone in his wellington boot and as he was propping himself up against that pylon and trying to shake boot off and all of a sudden everything went blank,Paul
The following user(s) said Thank You: kleener, Lang, Mrsmackpaul, PaulFH, V8Ian, wee-allis
Now that reminds me of a TRUE story . . .
While working as a maintenance fitter at GMH a mate and I were called on to make an adjustment to a 300 ton press safety bar setting. This was a regular job which involved the two of us and the press operator. I would do one side of the press as my mate did the other, while the press operator would be on the other side of the press where he could cycle the press slowly when called on by us.
To do this we would climb up a ladder to make the adjustments using a long screw driver and a large ring spanner. Each time the job was required we would race each other to see who could finish first.
Okay, the scene is set, and on this particular occasion my mate had run into some difficulty with his side and I, having completed my side quicker, crept across to his ladder, very carefully climbed up two steps and then reached up with my long screw driver between his legs to stir up his dangly bits. Not realising I had climbed up the ladder he swung his ring spanner, down and behind him, knocking me off the ladder as he hit my head! Fortunately I was wearing a safety helmet and was unhurt.
Just as he was in mid swing with his spanner the press operator came around the press to see what was holding things up; he couldn't believe that my mate would do such a thing and it took a few minutes to calm him down.
Moral - Don't piss around when working on heavy machinery, or when your mate is busy!!
We carried on like this on plenty of jobs together, each giving as much as we took, and somehow survived!
The following user(s) said Thank You: PaulFH, husky