Sometimes Sayings.

"He wants to run a business, he couldn't run a chocko vine over a shit house."

Another absolutely true one:-

A few years ago, my elder Daughter, her partner and toddler Son moved into a rented house. The yard was reasonably tidy except for a huge blackberry bush that Daughter wanted to clear but she would not start because there was a large dead dog in the bush. Her partner was not game to remove it and several friends also declined. Daughter contacted the local Council who refused to come. An animal rescue place also refused and a man who advertised he would remove rubbish quoted her hundreds of dollars, which she could not afford.
Eventually I offered to remove it, so I loaded the car with shovel, rake, sacks, large plastic bags and a facemask.
With trepidation, I went to the blackberry bush and looked at the largish, white fluffy dog. I was surprised that there was no bad smell. As I leaned over the bush, I saw a cloth tag attached to the dog's leg. The message on the tag read "Made in Hong Kong" I reached the rake into the bush and carried the stuffed toy dog into the house to show Daughter. She was embarased and even now we occasionally tease her about "Hayley's dead dog"

Another completely true one:-
Bullschmit Baffles Brains.
(we are not allowed to write rude words or we may be prosecuted for "Using a carriage service for indecent purposes")

Last Tuesday, I was using mate's forklift to move my stuff in his shed when I ran out of gas. (LPG, propane mix or whatever you call it, Brocky45) No spare bottle so put empty bottle in boot (trunk, Brocky?) of my petrol (gasoline, Brocky?) powered car and went to nearby service station. Had a little trouble getting gas to flow but on third attempt, it started filling bottle. Pump cut out at just over 14 litres, so I went to pay. Young lady at cash register said "I could not see (on the CCTV) your badge, so I had to shut down the pump as I thought you might be filling a camping bottle and we are not allowed by law to fill them. (I know that is true. They are not allowed to fill forklift bottles, either) I played dumb (not difficult for me) and said what is the badge, is that the little diamond shaped thing on the numberplate? I lied that i had just had the car converted to gas and this was the first time I had filled it. She said I should go back to the people who fitted the conversion and demand they fit the badges. I said I would but I can never take a gas bottle to that servo again.

Oh you are naughty, Morris.

Yair, ain't I a Stinker?
I don't have a forklift licence either. I learned to drive one before the licences were available (or required) here.

I had a forklift license for when I used to fit tyres to them, then left that industry and still had the license but never heard about getting in touch with the authorities to keep it up to date and now it has been cancelled along with all my earthmoving tickets as well.
I love it when they make changes and tell no one, NOT!

Morris & Cobbadog, I got my forklift licence many years ago, it was the DLI blue book type, FOR LIFE they said....
Until someone decided that it's a 'High Risk' occupation and now I have a lovely plastic card with my picha on it and have to pay a fee every 5 years. But the worst part is to do the update I must get a new picha on a new card and take 100 points of ID to the Post Office to pay. FFS.

My earth moving tickets were a piece of off white cardboard about 8" across and 6" high. Forklift one was added to it, or so they say but I did pass the tests but never got any confirmation. At the same time when a truck pulled up at a factory with a mobile hydraulic press behind it that pushed out 150 tons specifically for fitting tyres, not one place asked to see my ticket. I did this work for just over 9 years but the last 4 were then in sales side not fitting.